the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
