Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
