I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
