Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
