I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Randomize
