I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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