It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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