I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
