Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
