His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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