I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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