oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
being pregnant is like rehab
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
