Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
