I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
