the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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