I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
