I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
