Please, let me fuck your mom
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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