You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
