we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
