I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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