If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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