Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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