apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Terrible idea I love it
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
