I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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