he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
