i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
