As shirtless as possible
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
