God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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