he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
