am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
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4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
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So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
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