Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
