If i come over, it means nothing
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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