If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Randomize
