Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
