and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
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Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
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I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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