I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
