The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
