Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
When are your genitals available?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
