Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
