I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
