i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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