I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
