he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
