Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
