The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
