Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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