Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
