Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
