your parents love me but you hate me
if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
