Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
