Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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