Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
