I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
