You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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