Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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