so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I need moral support for this bender
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
